That “look in the eye” was so far away from my reality at the time, so my formation as a young ski-mountaineer grew primarily from the ambience between my contemporaries and myself. We all influenced each other’s styles on days spent in the mountains together. Sharing of adventure stories, technical ideas, achievements of mentors and ethical philosophies was educational small talk sponged up by youthful enthusiasm. Over the seasons, not only did the progressive reinforcement of partners and small gangs become apparent, but also the limitations we placed on each other through the social stigmas within our micro culture. There was never a more poignant trigger to this realization then when a solo track down a severe backcountry line was stumbled across. It was the calling card of the phantom ski-partner, oneself.

Our society has a perverted view on risk. There is definitely not much of a taboo on driving alone. Achieving the goal of a jaunt to the shopping mall warrants the possibility of becoming a statistic despite not having a passenger along to perform CPR on you immediately after impact. This perspective has it’s roots in the prevailing social consciousness, projecting it’s inherent fears ignorance and bias.

Skiing alone is still “against the rules”, mainly because of it’s audacious and powerful assertion of individual autonomy out in the mountain environment where a “removed” perspective is possible.

Dave Summers, a true soul snowboarder, was the first to set my mind free. He lived his craft to the point where he would just disappear into the backcountry without telling anybody and ride another of the baddest ass lines in the Whistler area, alone. I was enchanted and it seemed like the coolest thing that he was just nailing it, but only once in a while. Obviously he wasn’t suicidal. Dave was just paying attention to the mountains and to himself.
But not telling anybody? Wasn’t that downright selfish and irresponsible? It certainly eliminated the last link in the chain of security for a chance of survival in case something happened. It struck me as the ultimate in freeriding. Because Dave was just doing it for himself, he didn’t care if anybody took photos or even knew about it. Personally, the worst thing was always setting out and getting that dreaded “be careful” with that “look” and the finger shake. Those people have no idea about the awareness of engagement and often have a misguided notion of the soloist as rash or suicidal. They are basically imposing their own fears on none of their business. Energetically, it doesn’t help to have someone worrying about you in a negative sense.

Eventually for my own solo adventures, I would only tell special friends that could understand and support me. Yes, we all have a responsibility to our loved ones because ultimately if we die, it will result in sorrow and suffering even though it is only the individual perceiving loss. In reality there is no death, only transformation. So the highest responsibility we can show is to be true to ourselves and go about our passions in a consciously balanced and effective way.
There is little awareness of the esoteric aspects of going alone into the mountains. In the excuse of ones spiritual process lies the justification for following through on an inspiration solo, “dangerous” or not and independent of the final outcome. To go solo, it seemed you had to be absolutely sure. Pouncing on that perfect case scenario when all you had paid attention to came into condition. Including yourself, especially when engaging in more advanced itineraries where consequences could be fatal, partner or not. Obviously one had to have complete confidence in one’s own judgement and skills. Above all, the internal thing seemed paramount, knowing what is going on with oneself and one’s motivations.

We all risk something as ski-mountaineers and in the process of making decisions; it can be difficult to distinguish between ego and intuition. What is worth the risk? I remember seeing Trevor Peterson, my friend and one of my original mentors, disappearing alone into the glaciers of the Blackcomb backcountry in a total whiteout. He was setting out in a world I did not yet understand. Although he was breaking the rules, he was obviously respected for his craft and was definitely one that had "that look” in his eye. His solo efforts, therefore, had to be part of his greatness as a ski-mountaineer. To me, his soloing was a reflection of his commitment and enthusiasm and aroused in me the quest for expanded knowledge.
Would Trevor have made his last run under different circumstances? I believe his true legacy lies in our learning from his life and transformation while not making judgements. To be honest to oneself and to continue evolving, there must be constant objective critique and self-critique despite the discomfort of our emotions. Trevor obviously needed to ski for himself in a time where his professional activity was at a high. He decided to ski the Couloir Cosmique alone, in the afternoon, despite several warnings not to go. It was a decision against the grain of common sense.
We all know how difficult it is to walk away from something that inspires us. However longing, the gaze of desire cannot sway the conditions of circumstance. From the harvest of incompletion or failure, new awareness is sewn. It is the love of being in this world that drives us not only towards self-preservation and camaraderie but also the detachment that enables us to engage in solo adventures. The mountains are always uncertain. What we do is selfish if it becomes mundane. Higher purpose, as in communion with nature and self-atonement are both apriori to true evolution and revolution and should be the siren song of the soloist.
Intense internal process through extreme experience is not a clinically accepted form of psychotherapy for transcending fears and traumas. However, from books like Reinhold Messner’s “Nanga Parbat Solo”, we see that inner motivations have been crucial to great solo accomplishments. Facing and accepting, let alone sharing one’s deeply personal experiences is as bold and daring as the physical, feat itself, especially in the rugged and masculine world of mountaineering. Reading how he exposed himself on the mountain to touch the core of his being and face his romantic problems and the loss of his brother to the same mountain, shed light on my own process of reconciliation. I admired his groundbreaking honesty, which paralleled the ultimate in commitment of his climbing style.
Reinhold’s solo endeavors set the standard for truly challenging oneself against the mountain. He took “fair means” climbing to the ultimate, one on one with no support to back up his weaknesses. Personally, facing myself is the most frightening thing when alone in the mountains. Can I keep trusting myself and my decisions step after step? With no other opinion, I am left with the clearest view of myself and the cleanest flow of my technique. Here I have been able to begin identifying the multitude of personalities within my psyche that have accumulated over the years. So often it is the residual confusion of those unresolved thought forms that keeps us from being open to all possibilities and detached from the outcome in all aspects of life.

Marc Twight is another of my great inspirations. Although not known as a skier, I instantly connected to his holistic approach to alpinism. In his published writings, climbing for him is always a conscious process intertwining with life’s issues. Residual angst and darkness were his particular demons trying to pull him off his visionary routes into the void. He too was fully giving himself to the experience on his solo endeavors. Shockingly but not foolishly, Marc was ever refining his inner techniques along with his outer ones to re-establish self confidence for life back in the valley, the place where we all must return. Marc always included retreat in his rack, knowing when things were too much for him. He shares the fruits of his adventures with us in his book “Extreme Alpinism”.

More and more, I see mountains as sacred ashrams, where the initiate practices meditation, intense focus and integrates the physical with the spiritual. Engaging exposure symbolizes the commitment to one’s process. A remote icy summit is an outrageous temple, a catharsis to societal survival instincts and family life, yet just as outrageous as the fortune that life can bring us even in the most pastoral of settings. Entering, we invoke an experience that will draw something out. If we bring ourselves to a situation demanding the utmost at the right moment, it illuminates what we really have, what we really are.

All the elders I respect tell me to live life to it’s fullest, that it is better not to have to look back upon things undone. In that sense, I value myself as a ready partner, to not miss out on something inspirational that prods my awareness, challenges and feels appropriate. This is the medicine that heals my wounds when I think of Trevor and feel loss.

To me, the solo space is the ultimate in a soul’s expression of freely following its inspiration. It could be said that skiing alone is like masturbating because your partner doesn’t come. Sometimes there arises a need that can only be fulfilled by oneself, an inspiration that is not shared, energy of individual passion that has meaning only to oneself. A would be partner with different motivations would only be subjecting themselves to objective hazards when they might never reap the reward and can even be a hindrance to accomplishing the mission.

Those solo moments when even a twisted ankle could spell disaster are for the cultivation of attention. By engaging solo only on special days, they become poignant learning experiences where the fragility of life and the imperative to live fully are felt in the heart. Although we can share human emotions second hand through words and stories, there is no exact way of describing communion with the mountains. Each individual’s experience of the same event is inherently different. It is but the product of our refined beings, our great masterwork of soul evolution that becomes the gift when it comes time to share ourselves with our partners. This gift can only be seen in the eyes and only when we have the eyes to see.

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